1. Introduction
Essay-writing is one of the four components of the proficiency test, taken by all first-year English majors at JPU. Writing an essay is a complex task which requires well-developed skills, including thorough grammatical and syntactical grounding, rich vocabulary, and reliable stylistic knowledge, as well as intense mental work. Good writers have something important to say: they ask a question, come up with a new idea, or a new aspect of a theme, and shares their thoughts with the readers. They want people to obtain pieces of information, make them think and form their own opinions. In order to achieve this purpose they put their ideas into words in a logical order. They pay attention not to submit to their wayward thoughts and not to wander off the theme. The lack of a coherent train of thought makes it impossible for the readers to follow the text (Trapl, 1997).
There are five significant requirements which students are obliged to meet in order to pass the essay-writing test: Focus, Accuracy, Vocabulary, Paragraph Organization. and Essay Development. The aim of the present paper is to reveal the essence of the Focus criterion by answering the question what makes an essay well-focused.
2. Methods
To answer my research question, I made a thorough study on proficiency tests taken by English major students at Janus Pannonius University in 1996. I examined fourteen tests from two different points of view.
(1) First I compared essays dealing with discussing/explaining/analysing how to e-mail a friend. The purpose of this comparison was to demonstrate and prove the importance of the writers' awareness of their theme.
(2) Then, to investigate my question much more deeply, I read and compared essays on one theme: 'explain how to e-mail a friend'. Studying this question, I had to consider and think over the rather vague meaning of the phrase: 'essays on the same topic'. However, this task gave me a good opportunity to examine how different people approach the same concrete theme.
3. Results and Discussion
3.1. Understanding and Determining the Purpose
Comparing different approaches to the theme: 'how to e-mail a fiend', I assumed: writing a competent essay begins with the understanding and the right interpretation of the topic writers intend to investigate. Moreover, it is crucial for them to write about a subject they know or can learn something about. With this criterion in view, the testing team provided the students with a theme selection table, which offered them a wide range of topics (Horváth, 1996, p.92). The students could choose from a large variety of themes that they had ideas or personal experience about, and that they would develop in their pieces of writing. In spite of this, nine students failed to submit a well-focused essay. This failure is partly due to that the writers did not decide or did not understand the purpose of their own essays.
The majority of the students (eleven of them) chose to "explain" the theme. The popularity of this topic can be explained by the general meaning and easy interpretation of the verb 'explain'. It requires from the writer to make a given theme clear or familiar for another person. It does not demand a lot of effort from anybody who is an expert in the given subject. But students who decided to "analyse" the theme often confined themselves to superficial treatment of the problem, not understanding or not deciding their purpose before writing. Analysing a theme requires much more deep mental involvement in studying a question. Writers should examine their topics by dividing them into separate elements in order to get a new piece of information about the subject investigated. Those students who chose to "discuss" the theme made a mistake by simplifying and restricting their topic to the themes: 'give your opinion' or 'give an explanation'. However, "discussing" covers the meaning: 'consider something from several points of view'.
As we have seen, it is essential for writers to ask themselves what their purpose is, why they are exerting their energy and straining their brain in order to produce a piece of writing. A well-focused essay is unimaginable without clear understanding and firm determining of the given theme.
3.2. Brainstorming and Making Drafts
"The most efficient method of writing involves thinking about what to say and how to say it before beginning to compose". (McMahan, 1989, p.14). When writers have decided the theme they intend to write about, they should make notes about the main ideas they want to present and develop, and determine the order in which they will arrange their thoughts logically. Studying the proficiency essays, I realized that ten of the fourteen students prefered to make a draft or an outline, writing down every idea that came to mind concerning their subject. It is a wise and useful method, since it enables the writers to stick to the theme determined in the first paragraph of the essays. The main ideas put down in the outline of the essay serve as the major points and guidelines to the text. If the writers follow these points they have a great chance to create a well-focused essay.
3.3 Essays 'on the same topic'
The more a writer can limit or specify his subject, the more likely he is to concentrate his attention on concrete information rather than vague impression. Here my aim is to demonstrate and analyse the results given by examining how students managed to produce a well-focused essay on the specified subject: 'explain how to e-mail a friend'. The reason why I decided to study essays on the same topic is that this method gave me a good chance to make a reliable comparison. (Weir, 1993, p.56).
Studying eleven essays on the same topic, I drew the conclusion that the essays differ from each other to a large extent regarding the approach to the topic, the point of view from which writers manage a question. Approaching a given theme includes the writers' attitude towards the topic as well: the more they are interested in the theme investigated, the more deeply they can be immersed in work, and the more they can concentrate their attention on it.
The students who decided to 'explain how to e-mail a friend' had to focus on three elements: 'explanation', 'how to e-mail', and 'a friend'. Almost all the students considered the 'how to e-mail' part to be the central point of the theme: from the eleven students only one 'explained what to e-mail' and not 'how to e-mail'. The writer of the essay 'explain what to e-mail a friend' suggested that at the beginning it is advisable to write only short messages because even two or three sentences can use up a lot of energy of a beginner. Seven students 'explained' the topic successfully. However, there was one extreme case when the writer dealt with 'how to e-mail' but instead of 'explaining' he or she composed a long paragraph 'discussing' that different servers cannot talk with each other because their structures are not the same. Only two students concentrated on 'a friend' and most of them ignored this further restriction while 'explaining how to e-mail', addressing their words to 'someone in general who does not know anything about email'. These students prefered to use subjects and pronouns in the third person singular. For example: the first thing a student has to do is to ask for a username from the computer assistant of his or her university. Another common expression of 'someone in general' is the impersonal subject: 'one': one must go into the computer room where the computers are stored. Then, after having sat down in front of a computer set one has to enter the Internet. I think these examples help understand that writers can produce an excellently well-focused essay if they fulfil all the three requirement at the same time.
3.4 The Writing Process
The cross-markers defined two important criteria as they evaluated the essays. (Horváth, 1996, p.95):
(1) Does the essay define a specific idea in the first paragraph?
(2) Does the essay discuss this idea with specific examples?
3.4.1. Defining a Specific Idea in the First Paragraph
A well-focused introductory paragraph should be restricted, unified, and precise. "To be restricted, an introduction must limit the scope of an essay to what can be discussed in detail in the space available" (Trimmer and Sommers, 1984, p.102). Writers should force themselves to avoid making general statements and giving a simplified summary of what everyone already knows. It is not enough to merely identify an area in which a subject needs to be developed; a carefully worded introduction indicates the specific subject someone is writing about. "A good first paragraph should be unified as well: it must express only one idea. To try to deal with more than one idea in a short essay would result in superficial treatment. Finally, a perfect introduction should be precise, that is it should be so stated that it can have only one interpretation" (Trimmer and Sommers, 1984, p.104). Most of the students wrote a good introductory paragraph: from the eleven students who decided to 'explain how to e-mail a friend', eight wrote about the necessity of computers in everyday communication, praised the Internet for the cheap, easy, and fast way of getting information and sending a mesage to a friend. Problems emerged when having come up with a workable topic the students continued searching their minds to further develop their topic.
3.4 Development of the Theme Determined in the First Paragraph
A correlation analysis was conducted to determine the relationship between the marks awarded in the five evaluation categories (Horváth, 1996, p.98). The hypothesis that the greatest correlation would between the scores for Focus and Essay Organization proved to be true. More than half of the students who chose 'explain how to e-mail a friend' got the same score for these two criteria. There was only one extreme example when a student got seven points for Focus while the organization of the essay was evaluated with a low score three. The cause of this large difference between the marks of the two categories was that the writer wrote a well-focused piece of writing, which was a letter rather than an essay.
The reason for the large correlation between Focus and Essay Organization is that during the whole writing process the writer must focus on the topic determined in the introduction. The highest score in the essays I investigated was seven. From eleven students nine had some problems with focusing on the theme and, larger or smaller, strayed from the point. For example, instead of explaining how to e-mail a friend, a student wrote a whole paragraph about how long people have to wait to get at a computer. Another student gave a detailed description about that it is difficult to find letters on the keyboard, and this activity requires a lot of practice.
4. Conclusion
It is not easy to write about the theme that the writer wanted to write about. It requires a lot of mental effort to focus on a specific theme and inexperienced writers occasionally have difficulty writing with a purpose, because they see so many purposes. Writers consciously have to exert themselves to develop the skill of concentration on a topic. Having finished studying the essays, I drew my attention to the cross-markers' comments directed at evaluating the five requirements of the papers ( Cross-markers' comments on proficiency test essays, 1997). This activity made me realize that it is advisable to follow the instructions given in connection with the Focus criterion, if a writer would like to create an appreciable piece of writing. Moreover, if writers want to set the impression of a professional, of an expert, they must stick to their topic firmly. This activity enables them to write a convincing essay that carries the readers with itself, thanks to its high Focus quality.
Showing posts with label focus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label focus. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
W 038 F
Introduction
Testing writing skills appears familiar to students from the time of learning how to write. Teachers make them hand in different papers: argumentative essays, tests, reaction or research papers. These testing methods examine writing skills directly, in essay writing tests, or indirectly, in a multiple choice test with questions about punctuation, for example. Essay tests appear as a traditional way of testing writing skills, as students produce a sample of connected writing. These vary in length and topics (Weir 60).
In this paper, I will present Proficiency Test essays, as representatives of testing writing skills at JPU, Pécs, for first year English majors. I will examine the role of focus in five writings, and how it expands its effect on the assessment, because this is how I can learn from the essays, and improve my writing skills.
Method
For this paper I chose five Proficiency Test essays, and read them three times each with extra attention to focus. As an aid, I read the assessor’s evaluation and notes, too. I chose students’ essays, because I had felt curiosity about how they develop ideas in Proficiency Test essays. I also made a research about Proficiency testing: what components these tests have, and what they measure.
Results and Discussion
Since 1993, the English Department of JPU has used Proficiency Testing to select students whose level of English stood below what has been considered appropriate. This test mix the characteristics of filter and proficiency tests (Szabó 77). It satisfies the need for an overall evaluation of students’ language abilities through Reading and Listening Comprehension, Essay Writing Test, and Grammar and Usage Test (Horváth 89).
Within essay writing tests, Proficiency Tests represent special forms: they have been developed for measuring people’s ability in a language, regardless of any training they may have had in that language. Their content does not cover up the content of objectives of language courses, rather what the candidates have to be able to do in the language in order to be considered proficient (Hughes 9).
Students take the Test anonymously, which compensates the two cross-makers’ subjective scoring. The two cross-makers answer these questions: “Does the essay define a specific idea in the first paragraph?”, and “Does the essay discuss this idea with specific examples?” (Horváth 92).
The evaluation of the essays follows a pattern containing five categories: focus, accuracy, vocabulary, paragraph organization and essay organization, each getting a maximum 2 points.
In the following table I introduce the five essays that I selected.
Table 1: Proficiency Test Essay Titles and Evaluation
Each essay test paper had a theme table on its front page. The tables appeared in three-column grid format, each column containing five rows. The columns had the names: Type of publication, Title One, and Title Two. Within each rubric the candidates found on element of a theme that they had to join. The instruction required students to select and underline one phrase in each of the three columns, then write a 400-450-word-essay on the theme they had chosen. The number of possible choices emerged to 125 by using this theme table (Horváth 91).
The test papers I chose offered the possibilities shown in the following table.
Type of Publication Title One Title Two
The What’s Hot section of a web site No Pain, No Gain: The University Student
The Features Section of a teenage magazine The Amazing Success of the High-school Barbie
The Opinions Column of a European weekly Forever Young? The Superstar
The Current Affairs section of a daily Try This: How to Embarrass a Know-all
The Cover Story of a student magazine Three Easy Steps to Become a Sixties Child
Table 2: Proficiency Test Essay Topic Table
The compilers of the Proficiency Test Essay, the teachers in the English Department, gave a definition of focus as defining and then discussing the relevant aspects of the candidates’ selected assignments. Focus in more detail means having a concrete audience in mind, not just the human race in general, which appeared in essay #24 in addresses like we or they, or in mentioning events and thoughts without any explanation and detailed description. This would suggest that the author did not have a final idea what to write about, so the reader easily got confused. The two scores given for the essay with the title “Try This: How to Embarrass a University Student” reflected this.
The title had no connection with the essay: the author wrote about a Stanislaw book discussing an intelligent ocean producing “creatures perfectly similar to certain people from our past.” After stating this, the writer developed a story with a university student and his professor, who rose again from the dead. The shifts in themes: description of a book, reference to a student-professor relation confused me. Though the title suggested concrete tips – “Try This: How to Embarrass…” - the author did not offer even one.
The second essay I examined got six points overall, and more positive remarks on focus. In the first paragraph the author stated the topic of the essay: “Three Easy Steps to Become a University Student”, and to whom the essay was dedicated - “mainly for learners who have failed the exam or who do not (dare to risk their time) want to bother with it.” By this the author guided the reader into a concrete direction, indicating what to expect: exact tips. The three steps built up a fluent sequence: first by pointing out a person to sit the entrance exam instead of the real examiner, second by pretending to have a student’s experience at university, and third by giving extra money to teachers. These tips did not allow the text to treat any incoherent subjects, so the reader’s attention stuck to the whole essay.
The essay “The Amazing Success of the Superstar” impressed me: it introduced a believable and concrete event about a contest between Richard Gere and Bill Clinton. The author gave a detailed discussion of the relevant aspects of the topic. The title which the two men fought for was called “Success and Fame”. The competitors had to smile charmingly and confess love. Gere turned out as winner, as most women loved him previously, and their number even rose during the competition.
The last two essays appeared special because they had the same title: “Three Easy Steps to Become a High-school Barbie”, but the type of publication differed: #28 joined “The What’s Hot section of a web site”, while #41 “The Features section of a teenage magazine.” Both essays got nine points. Though the essays had these common characteristics, the authors approached the theme differently: #28 included the history and the description of Barbie dolls in the introduction, which received good remarks on focus. Then the writer gave an informative discussion about how a high-school Barbie should look. Make-up, smart hairstyle, slim figure, elegant clothing style, blonde hair and blue eyes appeared as essential elements, while “intelligence, manners, grades, speaking abilities and humor” did not fulfill this role.
The other author, #41, segmented the process into three parts: “Step One: Changing Appearance… Step Two: Changing the Mind (and its content)… Step Three: Changing the Soul.” A high-school Barbie looked similar to the one described in #28’s essay, though #41 highlighted personal aspects and experiences more. The text showed much focus by sticking to these private memories at high-school, the author gained the assessor’s attention, maybe because the topic related to an exact person.
Conclusion
I have presented five Proficiency Test essays with extra emphasis on focus, and have examined how focus influenced the evaluation of these writings. The less focus an essay had, the fewer points it received overall. If a student switched themes, or did not stick to one aspect of the chosen topic, the score for focus decreased.
I found reading these essays useful and entertaining. Useful, because in my further writings I can apply the knowledge that I acquired from the essays and their evaluation on focus. Entertaining, because the authors developed their ideas in various and colorful ways.
Testing writing skills appears familiar to students from the time of learning how to write. Teachers make them hand in different papers: argumentative essays, tests, reaction or research papers. These testing methods examine writing skills directly, in essay writing tests, or indirectly, in a multiple choice test with questions about punctuation, for example. Essay tests appear as a traditional way of testing writing skills, as students produce a sample of connected writing. These vary in length and topics (Weir 60).
In this paper, I will present Proficiency Test essays, as representatives of testing writing skills at JPU, Pécs, for first year English majors. I will examine the role of focus in five writings, and how it expands its effect on the assessment, because this is how I can learn from the essays, and improve my writing skills.
Method
For this paper I chose five Proficiency Test essays, and read them three times each with extra attention to focus. As an aid, I read the assessor’s evaluation and notes, too. I chose students’ essays, because I had felt curiosity about how they develop ideas in Proficiency Test essays. I also made a research about Proficiency testing: what components these tests have, and what they measure.
Results and Discussion
Since 1993, the English Department of JPU has used Proficiency Testing to select students whose level of English stood below what has been considered appropriate. This test mix the characteristics of filter and proficiency tests (Szabó 77). It satisfies the need for an overall evaluation of students’ language abilities through Reading and Listening Comprehension, Essay Writing Test, and Grammar and Usage Test (Horváth 89).
Within essay writing tests, Proficiency Tests represent special forms: they have been developed for measuring people’s ability in a language, regardless of any training they may have had in that language. Their content does not cover up the content of objectives of language courses, rather what the candidates have to be able to do in the language in order to be considered proficient (Hughes 9).
Students take the Test anonymously, which compensates the two cross-makers’ subjective scoring. The two cross-makers answer these questions: “Does the essay define a specific idea in the first paragraph?”, and “Does the essay discuss this idea with specific examples?” (Horváth 92).
The evaluation of the essays follows a pattern containing five categories: focus, accuracy, vocabulary, paragraph organization and essay organization, each getting a maximum 2 points.
In the following table I introduce the five essays that I selected.
Table 1: Proficiency Test Essay Titles and Evaluation
Each essay test paper had a theme table on its front page. The tables appeared in three-column grid format, each column containing five rows. The columns had the names: Type of publication, Title One, and Title Two. Within each rubric the candidates found on element of a theme that they had to join. The instruction required students to select and underline one phrase in each of the three columns, then write a 400-450-word-essay on the theme they had chosen. The number of possible choices emerged to 125 by using this theme table (Horváth 91).
The test papers I chose offered the possibilities shown in the following table.
Type of Publication Title One Title Two
The What’s Hot section of a web site No Pain, No Gain: The University Student
The Features Section of a teenage magazine The Amazing Success of the High-school Barbie
The Opinions Column of a European weekly Forever Young? The Superstar
The Current Affairs section of a daily Try This: How to Embarrass a Know-all
The Cover Story of a student magazine Three Easy Steps to Become a Sixties Child
Table 2: Proficiency Test Essay Topic Table
The compilers of the Proficiency Test Essay, the teachers in the English Department, gave a definition of focus as defining and then discussing the relevant aspects of the candidates’ selected assignments. Focus in more detail means having a concrete audience in mind, not just the human race in general, which appeared in essay #24 in addresses like we or they, or in mentioning events and thoughts without any explanation and detailed description. This would suggest that the author did not have a final idea what to write about, so the reader easily got confused. The two scores given for the essay with the title “Try This: How to Embarrass a University Student” reflected this.
The title had no connection with the essay: the author wrote about a Stanislaw book discussing an intelligent ocean producing “creatures perfectly similar to certain people from our past.” After stating this, the writer developed a story with a university student and his professor, who rose again from the dead. The shifts in themes: description of a book, reference to a student-professor relation confused me. Though the title suggested concrete tips – “Try This: How to Embarrass…” - the author did not offer even one.
The second essay I examined got six points overall, and more positive remarks on focus. In the first paragraph the author stated the topic of the essay: “Three Easy Steps to Become a University Student”, and to whom the essay was dedicated - “mainly for learners who have failed the exam or who do not (dare to risk their time) want to bother with it.” By this the author guided the reader into a concrete direction, indicating what to expect: exact tips. The three steps built up a fluent sequence: first by pointing out a person to sit the entrance exam instead of the real examiner, second by pretending to have a student’s experience at university, and third by giving extra money to teachers. These tips did not allow the text to treat any incoherent subjects, so the reader’s attention stuck to the whole essay.
The essay “The Amazing Success of the Superstar” impressed me: it introduced a believable and concrete event about a contest between Richard Gere and Bill Clinton. The author gave a detailed discussion of the relevant aspects of the topic. The title which the two men fought for was called “Success and Fame”. The competitors had to smile charmingly and confess love. Gere turned out as winner, as most women loved him previously, and their number even rose during the competition.
The last two essays appeared special because they had the same title: “Three Easy Steps to Become a High-school Barbie”, but the type of publication differed: #28 joined “The What’s Hot section of a web site”, while #41 “The Features section of a teenage magazine.” Both essays got nine points. Though the essays had these common characteristics, the authors approached the theme differently: #28 included the history and the description of Barbie dolls in the introduction, which received good remarks on focus. Then the writer gave an informative discussion about how a high-school Barbie should look. Make-up, smart hairstyle, slim figure, elegant clothing style, blonde hair and blue eyes appeared as essential elements, while “intelligence, manners, grades, speaking abilities and humor” did not fulfill this role.
The other author, #41, segmented the process into three parts: “Step One: Changing Appearance… Step Two: Changing the Mind (and its content)… Step Three: Changing the Soul.” A high-school Barbie looked similar to the one described in #28’s essay, though #41 highlighted personal aspects and experiences more. The text showed much focus by sticking to these private memories at high-school, the author gained the assessor’s attention, maybe because the topic related to an exact person.
Conclusion
I have presented five Proficiency Test essays with extra emphasis on focus, and have examined how focus influenced the evaluation of these writings. The less focus an essay had, the fewer points it received overall. If a student switched themes, or did not stick to one aspect of the chosen topic, the score for focus decreased.
I found reading these essays useful and entertaining. Useful, because in my further writings I can apply the knowledge that I acquired from the essays and their evaluation on focus. Entertaining, because the authors developed their ideas in various and colorful ways.
W 022 F
Introduction
One of the criteria identified for essay writing is the focus that gives a policy on which the whole essay must be constructed. The theme selection table can enable students to generrate a topic but they need to be aware of how to approach the theme that is selected by themselves. It is not the same how they discuss the relevant aspects of their selected assignements. The aim of my research is to present why the writers chose there themes and how they could develop and demonstrate the skills tested on the bases of the focus.
Method
I selected five proficiency tests with different grades but all of them have passed the essay test. I read all the essays in the row becoming higher. In this way I could see how many diffrerences were among the essays. I examined the paragraphs within the essays to have an insight of how the writers keep themselves to the focus. On the bases of the essays' context I observed why the writers chose the selected themes and how they could include their experiences into it. On the other hand I valued their aspects that based the storyline itself.
Result and Discussion
Code 62 essay-5 points
How to design a perfect Christmas-A general Hungarian audience
It is clear from this essay that the writer directs it to a general Hungarian audience. She approaches the theme in the most general way, trying to draw all her experience into it.
At first, her informations about religion are found wanting. In the first paragraph she states that we celebrate the birth of God at Christmas time. It is not true. Jesus Christ was born in this time, not God and people do not go to churches just because they want to sing Christmas songs together.
The writer seems not to know so much about the real values of Christmas. That is why she would like to illuminate the different factors that 'can make' Christmas perfect.
Throughout the second, third, and fourth paragraph she deals with these factors, such as gifts, Christmas tree, and food. They are only complementary elements of Christmas but this essay lays to much stress on them.
In the end the writer traces the conclusion back to her strategies. I can not see her own taste in this essay only the common views. 'Perfect taste, like perfect pitch is a gift from God. But a certain amount can be acquired. The trick is to study those who have it.' (6, p127)
It is sure that she insists on the focus all the time. She supports the relevant aspects of the selected theme by means of her experience, but the false view makes this essay stereotyped. The writer does not say anything new that somebody else would not know.
CODE 26 essay-6 points
How to design a perfect Christmas-Hungarian university students
It is not evident from this essay why the writer has chosen the Hungarian university student for the audience. He could have written as well as to a general Hungarian audience.
He also approaches the question with great generality but with better constructed aspect than the essay coded with 62.
He presents us all the 'tasks' he knows to make Christmas perfect and I can state that he has a great experience in it. Like the essay coded with 62 he highlights the utility of his strategies in an extreme way and he seems also to have forgotten to point out the most beautiful feature of Christmas: the love. This is the significant task we have to carry out. Probably people today do not take good care of love. That is why neither this essay nor the essay coded with 62 are really interested in emphasizing the importance of love. But this is the meaning of Christmas time.
He does not use one of Zinsserian tips connected with punctuation at all. 'Among good writers it is the short sentence that predominates, and don' t tell me about Norman Mailer-he' s a genius. If you want to write long sentences be a genius'. (6, pp 113-114)
In spite of this he focuses to the selected theme and he builds the storyline on it.
CODE 5-7 points
How to design a Hollywood movie-Young business people
The introduction of this essay begins with a sentence including the term 'always' (3, p1). It expresses generality, even though film-making in Hollywood has flourished for the past hundred years. Is there such a thing as 'the experience' (3, p1) which applies for everyone? The term 'same skeleton' (3, p1) is also general, although many things can fit into this term.
In spite of the fact that he writes about Hollywood, he should not need to exaggerate. He ignores one of Zinsserian tips: 'Don't overstate' (6, p117).
He does not pay attention to the issue itself. Only in the second paragraph does he start to deal with what should director do. Finally we have got the point. He refers to 'three basic elements that today's American films contain' (3, p1) but this thought does not make the essay sonorous at all. Not all of American films base on financial support, Hollywood stars, and computer technique. The writer piles up the overstatements.
The expression 'fortunately happens to know' (3, p2) is a sarcastic one, that gives colour to the atmosphere of the essay. Standard Topic's Collection (STC) 'is another good choice to make the essay effective and to keep himself to the focus.
CODE 50-8 point
How to design a girlfriend-Young business people
The writer conveyes the essay from general into a concrete picture. He works it out in great detail, using his imaginative power in business people’s point of view.
Throughout his essay he never digresses from the theme of designing a girlfriend. It is a good point for the sake of the focus.
Maybe he has chosen the topic, because Hungarian young businessmen are looked down by the society, especially if they have fancy cars and mobile phones. He builds his essay on his trite storyline.
He has also forgotten Zinsserian tip about punctuation. He uses such long sentences which can be broken into three short sentences. They are full of long lists with unknown and unnecessery words such as 'generosity, sentimentality, sangfrois, indulgence, reconciliation, jocularity, domesticity, and boundless tenderness' (4, pp 2-3) that serves no functions. 'But the secret of good writing is to strip every sentence to its cleanest components' (6, p7).
Probably he thought that these words were to be lift the whole essay but they were not. In this way the reader can not keep pace with the train of thought. The verbiage results in clutter which disturbs the reader and makes him tired. 'If the reader is lost, it is generally because the writer has not been carefull enough to keep him on path' (6, p9).
The whole essay was less effective and original than the one coded with 35, although the latter one does not use unknown words.
CODE 35-9 points
How to ruin a Hollywood movie-A general Hungarian audiences
This essay starts effectively using well-chosen words such as 'enormous', 'standard-setting', 'dream factory', 'not-yet-Western-but-no-more-Eastern Europe' (5, p1). The end of her introduction is also professional: she writes a deductive sentence at the end which makes the reader feel that now comes the real discussion: she writes about US advantage and comes the 'movie'-part.
The end of the second paragraph follows the same 'screenplay'. It invites the reader to read further.
From the third paragraph where she uses very impressive expression 'hardly even worth the ink' (5, p1) I felt the essay was not realy worked out till the end where in the last paragraph the writer has a few powerful and smart, critical and conclusion-like sentences.
Students often go to movies and since she is a student who studies English, I think the American-question is closer to her, she looks at it in a different way than 'average' students do. She saw many films and she thought she would have enough database. She also had a strong opinion about Hollywood movies and now there was a chance when she could tell someone about it anonymously and she also could be as cynical as she wanted.
The use of cynism was well-planned, too: if something is written in an extremely cynical way, the readers would have their own arguments against it.
I think she had chosen the general Hungarian audience because she more or less knows the general feelings for Americanization, but she could have chosen Hungarian university students as well. If she would have chosen the latter she could not have used the expression 'dream factory', 'Hollywood dream', 'the audience needs relaxation', and 'people have a device for violence' (5, p1). These terms could be used definitely for the whole motion picture audience and are not the characteristics of students.
To sum up, it can be stated that she wrote an effective beginning, a tepid discussion and a not-so-effective end. But she used such words with she could keep herself to the topic. Zinsserian statement is valid to her: 'Good writing is lean and confident'. (6, p113)
Conclusion
According to my research I can state that no students would choose to write about activities they did rather often. They were likely to select from the second column first on the basis of their experiences. When this choice was made, students could go on to select a presentation type from the first column and then to the third column to decide on how to further restrict their themes. They included their experiences to the essays with less or greater success. They could not develop always the skills tested on the basis of focus because they did not pick the themes and the reader audience type in the best way. As it turned out that they vacillated among the different audience.
I hope my research will help other students to select their themes in a good way and to be able to fit in with the focus.
One of the criteria identified for essay writing is the focus that gives a policy on which the whole essay must be constructed. The theme selection table can enable students to generrate a topic but they need to be aware of how to approach the theme that is selected by themselves. It is not the same how they discuss the relevant aspects of their selected assignements. The aim of my research is to present why the writers chose there themes and how they could develop and demonstrate the skills tested on the bases of the focus.
Method
I selected five proficiency tests with different grades but all of them have passed the essay test. I read all the essays in the row becoming higher. In this way I could see how many diffrerences were among the essays. I examined the paragraphs within the essays to have an insight of how the writers keep themselves to the focus. On the bases of the essays' context I observed why the writers chose the selected themes and how they could include their experiences into it. On the other hand I valued their aspects that based the storyline itself.
Result and Discussion
Code 62 essay-5 points
How to design a perfect Christmas-A general Hungarian audience
It is clear from this essay that the writer directs it to a general Hungarian audience. She approaches the theme in the most general way, trying to draw all her experience into it.
At first, her informations about religion are found wanting. In the first paragraph she states that we celebrate the birth of God at Christmas time. It is not true. Jesus Christ was born in this time, not God and people do not go to churches just because they want to sing Christmas songs together.
The writer seems not to know so much about the real values of Christmas. That is why she would like to illuminate the different factors that 'can make' Christmas perfect.
Throughout the second, third, and fourth paragraph she deals with these factors, such as gifts, Christmas tree, and food. They are only complementary elements of Christmas but this essay lays to much stress on them.
In the end the writer traces the conclusion back to her strategies. I can not see her own taste in this essay only the common views. 'Perfect taste, like perfect pitch is a gift from God. But a certain amount can be acquired. The trick is to study those who have it.' (6, p127)
It is sure that she insists on the focus all the time. She supports the relevant aspects of the selected theme by means of her experience, but the false view makes this essay stereotyped. The writer does not say anything new that somebody else would not know.
CODE 26 essay-6 points
How to design a perfect Christmas-Hungarian university students
It is not evident from this essay why the writer has chosen the Hungarian university student for the audience. He could have written as well as to a general Hungarian audience.
He also approaches the question with great generality but with better constructed aspect than the essay coded with 62.
He presents us all the 'tasks' he knows to make Christmas perfect and I can state that he has a great experience in it. Like the essay coded with 62 he highlights the utility of his strategies in an extreme way and he seems also to have forgotten to point out the most beautiful feature of Christmas: the love. This is the significant task we have to carry out. Probably people today do not take good care of love. That is why neither this essay nor the essay coded with 62 are really interested in emphasizing the importance of love. But this is the meaning of Christmas time.
He does not use one of Zinsserian tips connected with punctuation at all. 'Among good writers it is the short sentence that predominates, and don' t tell me about Norman Mailer-he' s a genius. If you want to write long sentences be a genius'. (6, pp 113-114)
In spite of this he focuses to the selected theme and he builds the storyline on it.
CODE 5-7 points
How to design a Hollywood movie-Young business people
The introduction of this essay begins with a sentence including the term 'always' (3, p1). It expresses generality, even though film-making in Hollywood has flourished for the past hundred years. Is there such a thing as 'the experience' (3, p1) which applies for everyone? The term 'same skeleton' (3, p1) is also general, although many things can fit into this term.
In spite of the fact that he writes about Hollywood, he should not need to exaggerate. He ignores one of Zinsserian tips: 'Don't overstate' (6, p117).
He does not pay attention to the issue itself. Only in the second paragraph does he start to deal with what should director do. Finally we have got the point. He refers to 'three basic elements that today's American films contain' (3, p1) but this thought does not make the essay sonorous at all. Not all of American films base on financial support, Hollywood stars, and computer technique. The writer piles up the overstatements.
The expression 'fortunately happens to know' (3, p2) is a sarcastic one, that gives colour to the atmosphere of the essay. Standard Topic's Collection (STC) 'is another good choice to make the essay effective and to keep himself to the focus.
CODE 50-8 point
How to design a girlfriend-Young business people
The writer conveyes the essay from general into a concrete picture. He works it out in great detail, using his imaginative power in business people’s point of view.
Throughout his essay he never digresses from the theme of designing a girlfriend. It is a good point for the sake of the focus.
Maybe he has chosen the topic, because Hungarian young businessmen are looked down by the society, especially if they have fancy cars and mobile phones. He builds his essay on his trite storyline.
He has also forgotten Zinsserian tip about punctuation. He uses such long sentences which can be broken into three short sentences. They are full of long lists with unknown and unnecessery words such as 'generosity, sentimentality, sangfrois, indulgence, reconciliation, jocularity, domesticity, and boundless tenderness' (4, pp 2-3) that serves no functions. 'But the secret of good writing is to strip every sentence to its cleanest components' (6, p7).
Probably he thought that these words were to be lift the whole essay but they were not. In this way the reader can not keep pace with the train of thought. The verbiage results in clutter which disturbs the reader and makes him tired. 'If the reader is lost, it is generally because the writer has not been carefull enough to keep him on path' (6, p9).
The whole essay was less effective and original than the one coded with 35, although the latter one does not use unknown words.
CODE 35-9 points
How to ruin a Hollywood movie-A general Hungarian audiences
This essay starts effectively using well-chosen words such as 'enormous', 'standard-setting', 'dream factory', 'not-yet-Western-but-no-more-Eastern Europe' (5, p1). The end of her introduction is also professional: she writes a deductive sentence at the end which makes the reader feel that now comes the real discussion: she writes about US advantage and comes the 'movie'-part.
The end of the second paragraph follows the same 'screenplay'. It invites the reader to read further.
From the third paragraph where she uses very impressive expression 'hardly even worth the ink' (5, p1) I felt the essay was not realy worked out till the end where in the last paragraph the writer has a few powerful and smart, critical and conclusion-like sentences.
Students often go to movies and since she is a student who studies English, I think the American-question is closer to her, she looks at it in a different way than 'average' students do. She saw many films and she thought she would have enough database. She also had a strong opinion about Hollywood movies and now there was a chance when she could tell someone about it anonymously and she also could be as cynical as she wanted.
The use of cynism was well-planned, too: if something is written in an extremely cynical way, the readers would have their own arguments against it.
I think she had chosen the general Hungarian audience because she more or less knows the general feelings for Americanization, but she could have chosen Hungarian university students as well. If she would have chosen the latter she could not have used the expression 'dream factory', 'Hollywood dream', 'the audience needs relaxation', and 'people have a device for violence' (5, p1). These terms could be used definitely for the whole motion picture audience and are not the characteristics of students.
To sum up, it can be stated that she wrote an effective beginning, a tepid discussion and a not-so-effective end. But she used such words with she could keep herself to the topic. Zinsserian statement is valid to her: 'Good writing is lean and confident'. (6, p113)
Conclusion
According to my research I can state that no students would choose to write about activities they did rather often. They were likely to select from the second column first on the basis of their experiences. When this choice was made, students could go on to select a presentation type from the first column and then to the third column to decide on how to further restrict their themes. They included their experiences to the essays with less or greater success. They could not develop always the skills tested on the basis of focus because they did not pick the themes and the reader audience type in the best way. As it turned out that they vacillated among the different audience.
I hope my research will help other students to select their themes in a good way and to be able to fit in with the focus.
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