Some people collect tattoos. Others collect South American Indian zanzas and even others Mercedes badges stolen exclusively from cars with a Hungarian number plate. You can call me weird if you like but I'll tell you the truth: I am an enthusiastic syllabus collector. By now, at the end of my fifth year at the university I have quite an impressive collection at my disposal.
You may be curious to know how this unique passion began. Back in the first year I was a diligent student. At that time I had a very false idea about higher education. I thought of university as a dignified and noble institution which opens its gate only for the most distinguished ones to let them enter the empire of pure knowledge through the triumphal arch ( which of course existed only in my fantasy in those days ). I believed once I had the fortune to be among those lucky bastards it would take every effort of mine to remain among them. This belief was quite understandable regarding the fact that I managed to get admitted only for the third attempt.
There I was at last, eager and industrious. However, in spite of all my efforts, I could never catch up on my readings so I retained the syllabi in order to read the left-over books during the summer holiday. But for one reason or other I always found something more interesting to be occupied with. Thus the pile of syllabi with the number of book titles kept on growing. The waves began to dash over my head. I felt like drowning, being pulled under water by a deadly whirlpool. And suddenly I realized what university was all about. The recognition hit me like a thunderbolt. Believe it, the experience was more traumatic than my Oedipus complex. I started to tremble like a leaf then crawled under my desk and whimpered. It was a turning point in my life. At that particular moment I lost my innocence or pureness and became mature. I grew up.
I have lost something, whatever it was, at that frosty November night but I still have my collection. It is far from being complete but this is natural since a real collection never can become complete. You may think that syllabus collecting is a real bore. You're wrong. It is true, that all syllabi come in rectangle shape. A round, triangular, or an octagonal syllabus is a real curiosity. I've never come across any of these kinds so far. But after all each zanza is skull shaped and noone would claim that collecting zanzas is uninteresting. Not to mention the excitements of Mercedes badge collecting. I haven't seen a hand-written syllabus either; each one in my collection is neatly typed. I guess there may be a correlation between shape and appearance. An acceptable explication might be that nowadays it is almost impossible to purchase a non-rectangular shaped xerox paper. However syllabi present a great variety with respect to design, length and content. From all those tiny bits of information they contain one can draw a considerable number of conclusions not only about the tutor's mental health and capacity but also about all the bits and pieces of his or her personality.
In the United States during the nineteen-sixties three fellow students at Michigan University developed their skills of syllabus analysis to a tremendous height. Soon the term xyllabology was introduced and they called themselves, quite obviously, xyllabologists. In the late sixties - early seventies several attempts were made to make it a scientific discipline and establish a department of it at different universities. The attempts met an extensive resistance from the part of the Academy. Despite of all the efforts xyllabology did not gain much publicity and has remained a pseudoscience to this day.
Admit it, you think that this whole is a nonsense. But just think about it: graphology is acknowledged by some as a serious discipline. However a syllabus which requires from the author a cautious consideration, a choice of letter type, an access to a xerox machine, just to mention a few of the numerous factors, contains incomparably much more data than, let's say, a love letter. Xyllabology has the advantage over graphology that while the former one examines the result of a conscious process, the latter one attempts to draw conclusions from the results of an unconscious process. And this is a huge advantage.
To become a good xyllabologist requires a lot of talent, real determination, tremendous training, but most of all a vivid imagination. If you're a high risk taker type it's also an advantage. Do not be disappointed if in the beginning your predictions are below five per cent. As time passes by you become more and more experienced and by the end of the fifth year your score can go up as high as seventy per cent ( which is better than the average score of a qualified graphologist.) Any fifth year student, who has already taken at least sixty courses and thus had the opportunity to analyze sixty syllabi, can set up a relatively fair picture by the studying of the document about the tutor's family background, childhood traumas, marital status, sexual appetite and ambitions concerning a university career. Moreover he or she can also decide whether the teacher snores or not, is an ice cream eater or prefers booze, which side of the bed he sleeps in, or if she secretly takes pleasure in watching Dallas. A true master of the discipline can even estimate the time and strength of the last quarrel with his or her partner, the weather conditions at the time of photocopying, minor personality disorders, the colour of the family pet, etc.
Certainly you don't necessarily want to become a xyllabologist as not everyone is supposed to be interested in graphology or astrology either. However, if you want to obtain your diploma without taking the risk of finishing up in a mental institute you've got to have a basic knowledge about applied xyllabology. Because what is much more important than the tutor's private life is that you can make a pretty reliable forecast about the amount of effort it will take you in order to finish the course successfully. If you are somewhat familiar with syllabuses you can make up your mind in time whether it is worth or not to sign up for the course. It is especially crucial if you happen to be a first year student and you don't know anything about the people teaching at your department.
Now let me introduce some simple methods worked out by applied xyllabologists and employed successfully by millions of students all over the world. First of all when you are handed over the syllabus try to behave normally. Put on a poker face and pretend to be absolutely indifferent. Now take a deep breath and carefully glance at the paper. Don't panic! It is crucial to keep your head otherwise your chance to analyze the document correctly will approach to zero. Probably the most important part of the syllabus is the list of readings. If it is pretty long you can relax. It may sound strange but the number of titles listed on the paper are inversely proportional to what you actually will have to read. For example if the list is two pages long, you probably won't have to read anything at all. However, if the syllabus contains only a limited number of readings ( let's say one book or a couple of articles from different magazines ) you will be responsible for those. Leave the room immediately! Poems on the other hand are fine. They can be interpreted in numerous ways and it is rarely checked whether you have read them or not. Do you say that this concept doesn't make much sense? Nonetheless the above argument is backed up by extensive statistical data. You may go further and ask why teachers bother then to suggest book titles when they are supposedly aware of the fact that noone ever cares to read them. The answer is simple: it's about prestige. It's high politics. On the first session they usually dictate a couple of more titles to be added to the list just to keep up the profile.
The syllabus also contains a list of themes to be discussed on the seminars. If the topics offered by the course seem to be interesting be very suspicious. Never pay attention to what is actually written on the paper. Always try to read between the lines instead. The syllabus is out of date as soon as it leaves the intestines of the xerox machine.
Are you getting the hang of it? Or do I still have to explain what university life is about and what made me whimper under my desk? As Darwin stated the evolution is the survival of the fittest. It is nowhere as true as at the university. However while in the jungle you have to be a good athlete, at university you gotta be a good chess player. It's all about strategy: how to achieve the best result with the least effort. And if you don't realize it in time you finish up in a mental asylum or you're a genious. There's a third option as well: Oops! It's already 1579 words.
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